Tucked away in a forsaken corner of Singapore, NTU is often touted as one of the least desired universities behind big players like NUS and cart-wheeling SMU, all because of their less than desirable location. Where else in Singapore can you mistake yourself to be in some random and misty Johor jungle, with the haze hitting you much worse than in Clementi.

As always in life, the Almighty intervenes and cast upon the suffering ones a stroke of miracle by creating a Botak Jones right in the concrete jungle of Tuas (this piece of magic is of much greater scale than Magician Law’s, whose limited repertoire of tricks are compiled in a 3 disc DVD called Breaking the Magician's Code).




For the uninitiated, Botak Jones offers authentic American food at student-friendly prices. Any given weekday, members of the Boonlay Warriors Rugby team can be seen at the Tuas outlet gorging themselves on the multiple pattied cheese burgers. In fact, a deal has been struck with Botak Jones to allow the smaller members of the team a specially catered menu which guaran-damn-tees immediate weitght gain.

“Where I come from, it is unusual to see guys so small walking around the streets. It is my dream and vision to make Singapore the next US” said the legendary founder of Botak Jones, B.J Jones. Our reporters could not confirm if B.J Jones was indeed botak, as his mop of hair looked suspiciously like a wig.

“It is my dream come true to be part of the Boonlay Warriors Rugby team. Since young, I have heard of them and their deal with Botak Jones. To finally have a chance to be big and stand up for myself when I get bullied is a god send. You guys have no idea how traumatic it is when I get felt up by muscular gays in gym and there is nothing I can do about it.” recounted Gay-briel “The Stickman” Loi.

“To be honest, there was a huge part of me that wanted to fail my last module in NTU so I can be part of the team still. I practically grew up with the Botak Jones menu and to tell me to get on with life and put that part of my life behind me is certainly the most difficult dilemma I have encountered so far” NTU alumnus Cliff ‘When’s Dinner' Yap told the reporters sadly.

When contacted, coach Lincoln Tan said “I am from an earlier era and frankly; I still prefer my fried pig trotters over fries and burgers anyday. However, I understand the boy’s needs and I encourage all of them to try it.”



“I am joining the team next year but I have already begun my training programme to win the only title in Singapore that has eluded me so far. In fact, I have much to learn still as I recently died after eating the Double Beef Burger set. I may be due to the sauce they used for the steak I ate just before the burger. You know, I am not really a fan of steak, I prefer the sausages sold by the cute little boy Mark Koh in NUS.” Our reporters were fortunate enough to secure Rebel Rong for an interview while doing an onsite reporting live from the Clementi outlet.

When contacted whether the NTU female team had similar plans with Botak Jones, the captain 1.475m Lay-dee replied “Rugby and touch rugby are two totally different sports, besides the many similar rules, the only similarity they share are the oval ball. While the guys tend to rely solely on size and muscle their way through their opponents, we ladies play with much more flair and guile, with much focus on teamwork and tactics. In fact, with the right tactics, it lets us get away with a win even though we might have an inability to pass the ball properly. I am confident that if the guys continue chomping on their burgers while we girls look pretty and train hard on our tactics, we will be able to match the guys in our own sport in a decade or so.”

“I am World-cup bound and I need to stay focused on my goals. Botak Jones does not feature anywhere in my plans now. Although this is a lesser competition compared to the Miss Universe, I am willing to put in any amount of effort that will ensure success. I am also not ruling out a height enhancement surgery by Dr McNamara and Troy in Florida to match the 6ft4” towering girls from other continents. Special made platform boots is another alternative, we’ll see.”

Tags: haze, Clementi, The Almighty, Breaking the Magician's Code, stickman, Lay-dee, Miss Universe, platform boots